For almost all of my life, I've rather strenuously avoided taking Dan Rather's side on anything. Indeed, I can't see how the man made a career for himself other than making strange election night analogies that you'd have to be heavily medicated to even begin to understand.

Unlike most conservatives, I believe that bitching about vast, left-wing media conspiracies is mostly horseshit. And even if they were true, they were singularly ineffective. The media certainly didn't stop Dwight Eisenhower, Richard Nixon or Ronald Reagan from racking up spectacular victories. It was only when Republicans went further to the right than the traffic would bear that public opinion started to align with media opinion.

About a decade ago, I abandoned my ideological ideal, a government that does the few things that it absolutely has to, because it had prove to be impractical.

It proved to be impractical for two reasons;

Voters are selfish and stupid:  Yes, they like the idea of small government and balanced budgets, but only so far as it doesn't effect the goodies that benefit them. Everybody is of the opinion that the sacrifices that create a Utopian society should be borne by everybody else.

So, there was a bomb threat at Toronto city hall yesterday and, Rob Ford, being Rob Ford, did exactly the wrong thing, largely because he can always be expected to do the wrong thing. Etobicoke Slim went on TV and announced it, proving that he's monumentally stupid, insanely cynical, or both.

If you talk to anyone who knows anything about emergency management, they'll tell you that making announcement, especially on television, is the last thing you should do.

Ah, it was all supposed to be so different, wasn't it? Partisans everywhere delighted in telling me that Crackhead Rob Ford's circus-like emergence from rehab was supposed to be the game-changer for both the Ford and Chow campaigns.

Etobicoke Slim was going to rise, phoenix-like, from the ashes and reclaim the chain of office that he's spent the last two years disgracing.

So Gene Simmons from KISS (as he insists on introducing himself as) gave an incredibly weird and phenomenally ignorant interview about how life's supposed to work this week. And if you need life lessons, there a few better places to get them from a guy who made millions of dollars from wearing monster make-up, playing the bass badly, and writing songs about fucking children. I'm sure that his experience will translate seamlessly into yours.

Over the past decade or so, I've become known for colorful political metaphors, specifically  regarding my mayor, one Robert Bruce Ford.

Prior to 14 months ago, however, I never would have suggested that he might be smoking crack with Somali gunnrunners. That would have been too crazy, even for me. Yet the aforementioned Mr. Ford went on to prove that nothing regarding his life and tenure of office was too crazy, even fevered imaginations such as mine.

I don't expect many of readers outside of Toronto to know this, but Scarborough is pretty much the asshole of the world. Were it up to me, we'd be building a wall around it, not subways into it.

But Scarborough is also a target-rich environment for huckster politicians looking to buy their way into new mandates, so it appears that it is subways that they will get.

I've never met Ted Cruz, so I can't say as an absolute certainty that he's a psychopathic retard. But because he's a Republican and a Tea Partier, he can't honestly object to either characterization, since both are such a central part of his political base.

Republicans and Teapers get awfully pissy when I say things like that, but I'm hardly the one that's been in the trenches finding new and ever more self-defeating ways to turn superstition and stupidity into conservative virtues.

So Toronto's mayor, Rob Ford, is supposed to arm-wrestle Hulk Hogan tomorrow morning. In most big cities, this would be something of a spectacle. In Toronto, we just hope Etobicoke Slim is sober.

A lot of folks who are interested in such things are probably betting on The Artist Formerly Known as Terry Gene Bollea to win, but I'm not so sure.

First, the Hulkster is 115 years old and to the best of my knowledge hasn't ever done anything that wasn't scripted in advance by Vince McMahon.